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Author Topic: My entry as "Joke of the Week"  (Read 2950 times)
Dale MC8
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« on: September 10, 2006, 10:59:21 PM »

Family reunion this weekend, my Brother told a joke I gotta share. WARNING: this joke is gender specific. Women usually have no idea what it is about while men are laughing, grinning and high-fiving one another.

A guy gets pulled over by the Highway Patrol while on the Interstate. He just sits there while the Trooper comes up to his window, raps on it with his nightstick and motions for the driver to roll down his window. When he does, the Trooper cracks him up alongside the head just above the left ear. The driver jumps back and hollers, “DAMN, what did you do that for?” Trooper sez, “When an officer stops you I want you to be outside the car with your drivers licence, registration and proof of insurance in your hand. Got that?” Driver sez OK and produces these documents. The Trooper writes out a ticket and hands it to the driver. He then walks around to the passenger side of the car where the passenger is sitting and staring straight ahead, and raps on the window with his nightstick. The passenger rolls down his window and the Trooper cracks him across the head, just above the right ear. The passenger jumps back and yells,” What the HELL did you do that for?” The Trooper replies, “I just granted your next wish.) Passenger sez, “What do you mean?” Trooper sez, “You know that when I let you drive off, about a mile down the road you are going to turn to the driver and say ‘I wish that SOB had tried that with me!’”
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Dale MC8

In Theory, theory and practice are the same.
In Practice, they aren't.
Nick Badame Refrig/ACC
1989, MCI 102C3, 8V92T, HT740, 06' conversion FMCA# F-27317-S "Wife- 1969 Italian/German Style"
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« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2006, 03:43:37 AM »

Thanks Dale,

I couldn't come up with a good one last week so, I didn't post one yet.

Nick-
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« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2006, 04:47:28 AM »

Ooh ooh ooh,,, I've got one.



Vern and Rosie were driving cross country when Vern got pulled over by the highway patrol.

Cop says - "do you know you were doing 75 miles per hour?"
Vern says - "Well that's a surprise, I just took my eyes off the speedometer for a second."
Rosie says - "Now Vernon, you know you've been doing 85 and 90 all day.  You're just lucky you were down to 75 when he caught you".
Vern says - "Shut up, you stupid witch!".

The cop says - "Sir, I also notice you're not wearing your seat belt".
Vern says - "Well you see officer, when you pulled me over, I knew you'd need to see my license.  I just unbuckled for a second to get my wallet out".
Rosi says - "Now Vernon, you know you never wear your seatbelt.  I'm not sure you know how to buckle a seat belt".
Vern says - "Idiot woman, shut your stupid pie hole!"

The cop looks across the car and speaks to Rosie - "Ma'am, does he always talk to you like that?".

Rosie answers - "No, not always,,,




only when he's been drinking".



Tongue  Casper
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BusCrazyTom
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« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2006, 05:15:34 AM »

Not really a joke, 'cos this one is true, I swear it...., but kinda funny all the same

One night many years ago I was returning home to North Carolina from an out of state job. It was very late, around 3AM and I had had no sleep in at least a day. I was falling asleep at the wheel, and then when I felt myself running off the road, I'd wake up just in time to move over, then nod out again.

Just after I crossed the NC line, a State Trooper noticed this and hit his lights. I pulled over and trooper comes to my window, shines his light in my face and says "Do you know why I stopped you?" I replied "No", and he said "Because you were weaving on the road."

Being the road weary smarta** that I was, I said (with a grin) "Stupid cop! That's not weaving, it's crochet!"

Thank God  he had a sense of humor! I thought he was going to laugh himself to death! After I explained my situation, he prescribed some coffee and a doughnut and let me go. Doubt I'd get away with such now, but there once was a time.....

Tom, The Analog Dinosaur
Stupid Bus Newbie (but getting smarter!)

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Ednj
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« Reply #4 on: September 11, 2006, 12:20:46 PM »

> SKINNY DIPPING
>
> An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
> large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it
> up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, grapefruit, and
> banana trees.
>
> One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
> been there for a while, and look it over.  He grabbed a five gallon bucket
> to bring back some fruit.
>
> As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came
> closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
>
> He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
>
> One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
>
> The old man frowned and shouted back, "I didn't come down here to watch you
> ladies swim naked ... or ... make you get out of the pond naked."
>
> Holding the bucket up, he s aid, "I'm here to feed the alligator"
>
> Moral:  Some old men can ... still ... think fast !!! Cheesy
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« Reply #5 on: September 11, 2006, 01:07:46 PM »

An ethnic joke?


A prominent American sportscaster was interviewing athletes at the summer olympics when he approached a young man carrying a long fiberglass stick.  He asked the man: "say, aren't you a pole vaulter?'

to which the man replied:  "No, I'm a German, but how did you know my name?"


tg
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wvanative
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« Reply #6 on: September 11, 2006, 01:57:19 PM »

OK Here is three for you guys

WHY WE HILLBILLIES CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS
Billy Bob and Bubba are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Billy Bob grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Bubba whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, I think Billy Bob is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence . and then a shot is heard. Bubba voice comes back on the line, "Okay... now what ?"

Inheritance

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are smarter than men.

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase
their diversity.
               
      "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep
during the welcoming briefing.

      "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria
for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."
               
      The cannibals promised they would not.
               
      Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very
hard and I'm satisfied with your work.

      We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's
performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.

      Do any of you know what happened to her?"
               
      The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."
               
      After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose
hesitantly.

      "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been
eating managers and no one noticed anything.

      But NOOOooooo, - you had to go and eat someone who actually does
something."

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Dean Hamilton Villa Grove, IL East Central IL. Near Champaign
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« Reply #7 on: September 11, 2006, 07:31:47 PM »

> >>A pompous minister was seated next to a Redneck on a flight across
the
> >>country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The
> >>Redneck asked for a Jack Daniels and coke, which was brought and
> placed
> >>before him.
> >>
> >>The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a
drink.
> He
> >>replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores
> than
> >>let liquor touch these lips."
> >>
> >>The Redneck immediately handed his drink back to the flight
attendant
> and
> >>said, "$#!%, me too. I didn't know we had a choice!"
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Busted Knuckle aka Bryce Gaston
KY Lakeside Travel's Busted Knuckle Garage
Huntingdon, TN 12 minutes N of I-40 @ exit 108
www.kylakesidetravel.net

Grin Keep SMILING it makes people wonder what yer up to! Grin (at least thats what momma always told me! Grin)
akbusguy2000
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« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2006, 09:26:35 PM »



The Most Powerful Liquid In The World

 

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of
turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a priest came along and asked the little
boy what he had.

The little boy replied, “This is the most powerful liquid in the
world. It's called turpentine."
 
The priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is
holy water. If you take some holy water and rub it on a pregnant
woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine
and rub it on a cat's @$# and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."



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Kristinsgrandpa
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« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2006, 06:47:27 PM »

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Ed.
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location: South central Ohio

I'm very conservative, " I started life with nothing and still have most of it left".
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« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2006, 08:04:59 AM »

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
Ed.

Of course you all know what it's called when a blonde dies her hair a different color don't ya?


Artificail Intellagence! LOL!

BK  Grin
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Busted Knuckle aka Bryce Gaston
KY Lakeside Travel's Busted Knuckle Garage
Huntingdon, TN 12 minutes N of I-40 @ exit 108
www.kylakesidetravel.net

Grin Keep SMILING it makes people wonder what yer up to! Grin (at least thats what momma always told me! Grin)
H3Jim
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« Reply #11 on: September 13, 2006, 08:50:11 AM »

When Insults Had Class



"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

-- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."

-- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure."

-- Clarence Darrow



"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"

-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."

-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."

-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

-- Winston Churchill, in response


"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."

-- Stephen Bishop


"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

-- John Bright


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

-- Irvin S. Cobb



"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."

-- Samuel Johnson






"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

-- Paul Keating




"He had delusions of adequacy."

-- Walter Kerr


"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."

-- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."

-- Robert Redford







"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human



knowledge."



-- Thomas Brackett Reed







"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent



hard work, he overcame them."



-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)







"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."



-- Charles, Count Talleyrand







"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."



-- Forrest Tucker







"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"



-- Mark Twain







"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

-- Mae West







"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

-- Oscar Wilde





"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."

-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder
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Jim Stewart
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Travel is more than the seeing of sights, it is a change that goes on, deep  and permanent, in the ideas of living.
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« Reply #12 on: September 14, 2006, 08:44:03 PM »

THE OLD PASTOR'S LAST REQUEST
>
>
>
>  An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and
>his lawyer to come to the hospital.  When they arrived, they were
>ushered up to his room.  As they entered the room, the pastor held
>out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
>The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and
>stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
>
>Both the IRS agent and  lawyer were touched and flattered that the
>old man would ask them to be  with him during his final moments. 
>They were also puzzled because the  pastor had never given any
>indication that he particularly liked either one  of them.
>
>Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to
>come here?"
>
>The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus
>died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go".
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Busted Knuckle aka Bryce Gaston
KY Lakeside Travel's Busted Knuckle Garage
Huntingdon, TN 12 minutes N of I-40 @ exit 108
www.kylakesidetravel.net

Grin Keep SMILING it makes people wonder what yer up to! Grin (at least thats what momma always told me! Grin)
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« Reply #13 on: September 14, 2006, 08:44:51 PM »

A Hooker's Tax Return
 
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she
 needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: "Before we begin I'll
 need to ask you a few questions."
 
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then
 asks, "What is your occupation?"
 
"I'm a Hooker," she says.
 
The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work; too
 gross. Let's try to rephrase that."
 
The woman says, "OK, I'm a High-End Call Girl."
 
"Sorry, that is still too crude. Try again."
 
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "How about an
 Elite Chicken Farmer'."
 
Stunned, the accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do  with
 being a high-end call girl?"
 
"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."

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Busted Knuckle aka Bryce Gaston
KY Lakeside Travel's Busted Knuckle Garage
Huntingdon, TN 12 minutes N of I-40 @ exit 108
www.kylakesidetravel.net

Grin Keep SMILING it makes people wonder what yer up to! Grin (at least thats what momma always told me! Grin)
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« Reply #14 on: September 14, 2006, 08:49:19 PM »

----- A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.  He proceeds to walk
into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell
of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer; dunks him into the water
again for a little longer this time.  He again pulls him out of the
water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
in the water again--- but this time holds him down for about 60
seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God,
have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to
the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in? Grin Grin Grin
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Busted Knuckle aka Bryce Gaston
KY Lakeside Travel's Busted Knuckle Garage
Huntingdon, TN 12 minutes N of I-40 @ exit 108
www.kylakesidetravel.net

Grin Keep SMILING it makes people wonder what yer up to! Grin (at least thats what momma always told me! Grin)
RJ
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« Reply #15 on: September 14, 2006, 11:57:15 PM »

Did you hear about the blonde who was dating a fellow with a wooden leg?




































Oh. . . too bad.  She broke it off. . . Grin Cheesy Grin Cheesy
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RJ Long
PD4106-2784 No More
Fresno CA
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« Reply #16 on: September 15, 2006, 03:05:56 AM »

ore ethnic jokes?

A young man walks into a logging camp on Vancouver Island to apply for a job.  The foreman had trouble understanding him and asks about his nationality.  The man says he is Welsh and the foreman says:  “Oh, so you’re a Wog – well we could use another hand, you can start in the morning.”

The man says:  “Thank you, but don’t call me a Wog – I prefer you use my real name.” 

The foreman says: “Everybody here has a nickname – a Frenchman we call Jack, the Irishman goes by Paddy.  Of course the Scott is called Mac, and some guy from Brooklyn goes by Mick – I think he is Italian.  Everybody just calls me Swede, and you can bet they’ll call you Wog whether you like it or not.”  The Wog says:  “Well, I guess that will be OK.”

The next morning when Swede arrives at the mess hall for breakfast he finds a bunch of guys piled on top of the Wog, beating the hell out of him.  He starts pulling them off, one by one, and says:

“Mick, Mac, Paddy, Jack – leave the Wog alone!”



 

A Norwegian applying for a job is confronted by a reluctant personnel manager who thinks he can just simply outwit the guy.  The manager tells him that yes they need someone in shipping, but he will have to pass a math test.

“I try,” says the Norwegian.

For the first test the managers says:  “Go to that blackboard over there and inscribe the number nine without using any numerals or words.”  The man goes to the board and quickly draws three trees and says:  “Dere you are, tree and tree and tree is nine.

Thinking this guy is no dummy the manager went to his next trick and says:  “OK, now the next one – change the assignment to ninety-nine, same rules.

The man thinks a bit then draws smudges all over the trees and  says:  “Dere you are, dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree – dat’s ninety nine.

By now the manager was starting to sweat.  So, he says:  Ok now you have to change the number to one hundred – same rules.

Without a moment’s hesitation the man adds a dog walking away from the trees, and little lump under each tree.  He turns to the manager and says:  “Dere you are – dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd  and dirty tree and a turd – dat’s a hundred – ven I start?”       
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Casper4104
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« Reply #17 on: September 15, 2006, 04:51:58 AM »

Ever sleep with a blonde?

        Once or twice...

Ever sleep with a brunette?

        Many times, many times,,,

Ever sleep with a redhead?




         Not a wink.   Grin
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If a half a hen lays a half an egg in a half a day - how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?
Moof
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« Reply #18 on: September 15, 2006, 08:10:10 AM »

Here are a few things to ponder, which most folks have probably never thought about:
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can you cry under water?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What disease did cured ham actually have?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 

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« Reply #19 on: September 15, 2006, 08:33:16 AM »

Ok.....I admit it.......I sang them!  Grin

Very funny


Cliff
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1975 GMC  P8M4905A-1160    North Central Florida

"There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded."
Mark Twain
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« Reply #20 on: September 15, 2006, 08:39:37 AM »

Ok, one from grandpa

Grandpa used to own a country store in a logging town in Arkansas, and the old people of that time believed that if a pregnant woman was scared by something during her pregnancy, often her baby would look like what scared her.

One day, this lady came in with her infant daughter, who was, as described to me, a very ugly child.

Upon seeing the womans baby, after she left the store, my grandpa commented that that lady must have been scared by a gorilla while she was pregnant.

An old man in the store then chimed in and said, "Scared, Hell! That gorilla caught that woman!  Grin

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« Reply #21 on: September 15, 2006, 07:56:30 PM »

(snip stuff)
By now the manager was starting to sweat.  So, he says:  Ok now you have to change the number to one hundred – same rules.

Without a moment’s hesitation the man adds a dog walking away from the trees, and little lump under each tree.  He turns to the manager and says:  “Dere you are – dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd  and dirty tree and a turd – dat’s a hundred – ven I start?”       

Sku' det være sjovt?  Hvad er det med at lava sjovt a Norskere?  I er sikkert nok nole slemme folk,
hva'?  Men sadan er livet midst busnødere hvist nok, ikke rigtig?

Så skal i gøre om det, hvad?

Hey, it ain't Norwegian, but it's close enough -- it's Danish.

Clarke
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ghanson
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« Reply #22 on: September 16, 2006, 06:21:54 PM »

Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning.
He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face.
Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken,
almost whimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld......

"Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
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